hopeless · romantic

i am a total mess
i am failing school
i am hooking up with 3 people
one of them has a girlfriend
i am fat and disgusting
i should just die

havnt posted in a while
im not doing to well
lots of cutting and eating...uuuuug i am disgusting
i just had a ton of peanut butter and an apple
soooo fat
i will gain control and be thin

havnt written in a few days
basically i have been cutting alot recently and eating a little and doing even less school work
i really need to get my life back in line
and up my grades...alot
not much else to say today except that i hope jordan gets his act together and makes up his mind already
if you want me you want me, and if you dont, please just tell me and stop making me try and figure it all out alone

im so stressed out
i have a lot of school work, and im am not doing very well
this is my junior year!! i HAVE to do well
i cant believe that we kissed yesterday...i said that i wouldnt let him!
now all i want to do is hear his voice telling me everything is pl and feel his hands on me and his lips on mine
i wish i could just be over him, and have him out of my life, but for some reason i dont seem to be able to
i feel so weak and pathetic
also feeling on the fatty mcfatfat side of the world
had salad and grilled chicken for dinner with diet soda, but i still feel obese
FUCK! why is life so complicated?

so the last two days havent been that bad
i only ate dinner both days
today, i ate breakfast, and i know that my mom is going to make me eat lunch...im just gonna have some eggs with veggies and cheese
during this week, i have to go to school early and stay late alot, so it should be easy to get out a few meals
i also think that i will try to get back into a gym routine...going every day, or every other day, and if i dont go to the gym, i will do an ab routine, cardio warmup, and some free weights
i will get back on track and do better

so today was wayyyy worse than yesterday,
i had three full meals
i am a pig
iv had cereal and pizza and pasta and meatballs
i dont want to eat
i hate the feeling of being full
i disgust myself with my weakness
tomorrow i really am going to go just liquids...i must
crew season is coming
my life cant be on hold until i become thin...so obviously i must be thinner faster!

so i messed up bad today
i ate 2 real meals, plus a luna bar for lunch, and a banana, and some grapes
i will be stronger
i will be disiplined and i will punish myself when i fail
when i succeed, i will only keep trying
i do not deserve rewards, no matter how well i do
it is not good enough
maybe i will get a reward...some diet pills, or maybe get some new lippy or a book
well...it does not matter now because i have done no where good enough to deserve any kind of reward

stayed home from school because i was sick
now i have so much work to do
i hate my life
sometimes i just want to dissapear

i have so much fucking homework
i went to the gym yesterday, and then came home and did light weight and ab work
i could have done more, but was really tired so i just went to lie down and sleep
today, i am basically doing hw all day, and i cant go to the gym on monday because i have a newspaper meeting
i guess i will just do weights and abs, and maybe some jumping jacks and lunges at home
not much else to say
ive been eating, but not much
one of my best friends is now mad at me because of my eating but whatever
she is not worth my time
its not my fault that she will eat anything, anytime whether she is hungry or not

one of my closest friends is totally freaking out at me
i didnt go to lunch at school, and she got so mad
i need her to stop being like this
i understand that she doesnt want me to hurt myself, but i am not going to change my life
i need my ed, my cuts, my drugs and my drinks
she needs to realize that my issues have nothing to do with her and she needs to stop trying to control me

i went to the gym so im feeling a little better, but not much
when i got back i had an apple
i know i shouldnt have, but i was really light headed
i will try harder, be stronger tomorrow

i am a failure
why do i not have the strength to succeed?
some days i want so badly to be normal and ed/si/depression free,
but then i remember, normal is fat, borning, and average
i will never be happy until i reach the perfection that only bones and pain can bring
i will force myself to be strong, to exercise until i am too dizzy to stand,
to restrict and purge, to count calories and steps and inches and pounds
to hide my dirty secret from the world
to keep my reality and savior safe until i reach my ever distant goal

so i started a fast, and broke it just over 24 hours later
i guess now was just a bad time being the first week of school and having 2 family events this week
i think im going to start again next week...im so excited to finally get back on track
i think i may actually reach some of my goals in a timely manner!
yay

started my fast today
it is 12:46 and so far all iv had is coffee with splenda and a few sips of diet snapple
i think im going to make some tea soon
not sure if im going to let myself have ice pops but im feeling light headed
im going to try and get through school, sports, and a workout tomorow before i decide if i have to add in a few negative calorie foods...celery, green apple, cucumber, lettuce, etc...
i really want to be able to complete at least a few days of no food
hopefully mom wont get to suspicious
i can say that im eating at school

fat fat fatty mcfattystien
that is me
i did an hour of cardio today and i wish that i could have just worked out all day
came home and had cereal with skim milk and protien powder
i should have just not eaten
no one was home to make me and if i keep eating ill never be thin
FUCK
i hate my life
failed suicide attempts suck